I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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