EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Randomize
