Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
