if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
