I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
