I want to walk on stilts...naked
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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