I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
