I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
