sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
