if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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