apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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