I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
now i know why i became what i already was.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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