rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
