If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
