remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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