Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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