Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
