it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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