The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
