It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
