Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
When did angry sex become our thing?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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