did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
