the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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