why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
