My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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