Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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