Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
