I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
