i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
