i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
