When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
