they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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