someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I think my vagina is haunted
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
