she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
This is my gift to your gina
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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