What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
