I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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