I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
