woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
