I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
