dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
