Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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