dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
