is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
