Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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