i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
