But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
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Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
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Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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