Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
