I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
