Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
