dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Let's paint friendship bongs
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
