U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
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Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
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