the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
