GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
