he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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