a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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