I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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