i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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