dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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