He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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