I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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